10,000 Maniacs - These Are Days [HQ]

This song is a go-to happy song for me--love Natalie Merchant.  While the video is a little lame (it was the early 90's after all), this song brings nothing but good memories to mind.

Joy

Christmas dinners are now officially done and time to turn my brain towards the start of a new year.  So many wonderful things happened this year:  we got our new family member, dd2 found her "place", dd1 had some success in the pool, dh found a job that makes him happy, and although i can't think of something monumental for me, i did get to enjoy all of the above and be pleased for the ones i love.

These last few days of 2011 have been difficult in the sense that there is so much attention focussed on shopping, buying, and having stuff.  It's a full on assault really.  Is it worse than in previous years?  I can't say for certain but what I do know is my desire to be a part of it has never been smaller.  As I wandered through the mall with some Christmas money in my hand, I realized that none of this was bringing me any joy and, in fact, was making me decidedly unhappy.  Now I can't tell you why that is (believe me, i enjoy spending money as much as the next gal) but let's just say that my Christmas money ended up in a much better place, spent in a way that did give me some joy.  As 2011 winds down, I am certain of very few things in life save these:  my family comes first, no exceptions; everyday I have with my parents is a gift; my girl friends are a treasure like no other; and that life is a truly beautiful thing when one can tune out the background noise.

Here's hoping that as you head in to 2012 that you hold firm to your own certainties and enjoy what truly brings you joy.

Eat, Read, and Be Merry

So far this holiday, we have a done a great deal of nearly nothing.  It's been absolutely perfect.  Reading, card games, eating, board games, more eating, walking with the dog, eating, watching junior hockey, eating and of course, more eating.  Pure relaxation.  It's been a tremendous gift.  After years of hosting Christmas, having house guests, planning activities for 13 on a daily basis and generally acting as our family's "julie mc coy", this week of pyjama time has been all sorts of wonderful.
But good-ole-Julie is never out of commission for long....."family fun" (in quotation marks to reflect what I am sure will be DD#1's reaction to my ideas) is on the horizon.  That is, if I can put down The Hunger Games.

Merry Christmas Part 2: Can we return to Christmas Past?

This morning was the day I'd been dreading for some time.  After staying up well past midnight, DH and I were completely unsuspecting that a certain determined DD#2 was still awake and saw us lay the stocking down by her door.  That would explain her lack of enthusiasm in the morning.  When asked why she was so glum, she replied "I saw you and daddy with my stocking" which I mistakenly took to mean that she knew we were Santa.  Mistake.  Huge mistake.  When I later told her how I'd hoped she'd like a certain Santa present, the world almost seemed to stop for a moment and then the wailing began.  And I do mean wailing.  And crying.  And accusing.  So much for our "It's a wonderful life" kinda moment.  And there was no buying of the "Santa is the spirit of Christmas" line.  She felt out and out hurt, betrayed, and very very sad.  Even despite some pretty good presents.  How to manage this plan b style?  I am at a loss however, a good friend gave me a mug which I am using as I type this.  It says "Embrace the Moment" and indeed, I will just keep my mouth shut and give that a try.

Merry Christmas

As I stumble along in my constant plan b world, I am ever mindful that at least I have options and the presence of mind to consider changes.  May we ever be open to the possibilities of life and embrace the simple joys that present themselves to us in big and small ways.  Tonight I am grateful for so much for truly I am richly blessed.  And so are you, if you stop the craziness of life to properly consider things.  May you all have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow.

acceptance

How to explain the way of the world to a 10 year old girl intent on doing her own thing?  That is the question of the day around here.  While I appreciate that she's spunky and has her own "look", unfortunately that look is driving me crazy--hair pulled back, unbrushed, into a knotted pony tail with the occasional slick back with water.  Seriously?  I would rather look at purple hair, a nose ring, or inside out clothing than watch her walk around looking like she just rolled out of bed (or out of a bin of hair gel).  Raising the issue delicately (which, admittedly is not my forte) does not register and as I get more insisting, she becomes more resisting (I forsee nothing good when the teen years come along).  I am not sure why I care so much.  That's not entirely true.  Girls are mean and I can well imagine what will be said about her today and I am frustrated that she's setting herself up for a huge serving of nasty.  She has told me the problem lies with me (having a logical, perceptive child is all kinds of frustrating) and I know she's right but oh man, isn't life hard enough without giving people a reason to mock you?
So, off she goes.  Dressed in her pajamas (have I mentioned it is NOT pajama day?), bathrobe (a compromise from the fuzzy blanket cape she intended to wear), and a big old Santa hat (at least maybe people will assume the hair comes from hat head??).  And as I watch her with my fingers crossed for a good day, I must concede that I love this crazy girl who is intent on teaching me a lesson in tolerance, patience, and acceptance.

Home Stretch

Well finally, shopping is done (family gifts anyway)!  Cookies are underway.  House is half-decorated but no one seems to mind at all, least of all me!  It looks as if Christmas will make it's way here after all. What a relief as the past few days I have been waking up in a state of panic wondering how it will all happen.  Guess my university mantra of "there are many hours in a day" still holds true today and good things can happen to those who are willing to give up a little sleep.

Flash Mob for Christmas

Did I ever need a dose of this today.  This was so beautiful that it moved me to tears.
I miss the old hymns; songs that were sung simply and sincerely like these.  

Slothiness

Well, we had our first wild ride with the puppy last night.  Our first of many I am sure.  While I felt sorry for my poor hubby who was out toileting the dog every half hour from 11pm to 3am, apparently not sorry enough to drag myself out of bed.  Do I feel guilty?  I know I should.  And I do.  A little bit.  In defence of my slothiness (now, I'm sure that's not a word but I like it), I should say that truthfully I didn't even hear the barking half of the time.  I know.  Hard to believe that I, who used to hear my children breathing half a house away, didn't hear a frenzied puppy trying not to soil his crate.  Now that's a real Christmas miracle.

Thought I'd slip in a current pic of Ridley enjoying his first snowfall.

Odds and Ends

I cannot believe what a wonderful day I had today.  This morning, I took the dog for a little crazy dog time in the green space near us and that wore him out for a few hours which, in turn, enabled me to get a little card making done.  yay!  So nice to have finally figured out the secret to productivity with the puppy in the house--run him like stink.  After that minor revelation, I bettered my day even further by having lunch and doing a little shopping in the Village with a very dear friend.  How can a day get any better you might ask?  Well, I rounded out the afternoon with Ridley actually going for a 15 minute on-leash walk (those of you with puppies will understand how monumental that is), DD#2 finding out she will be in one of my favourite musicals, Fiddler on the Roof, and DD#1 actually teaching DD#2 how to do long division with no fighting.  Somewhere, in an alternate universe, some poor mom is living one of my usual days and wondering why everything is so difficult.

Happiness is...

Even I, official hater of winter and all things cold, have to admit that this drizzly rain is dreadful and that life would be better if it were snow.  Thankfully, I have a sure fire way to improve my mood in the gloom.  Beef Stew.  Sadly, my go- to for happy is food and my favourite go-to of all time is beef stew with dumplings.  Just the smell of it makes me happy.  So let it rain.  I am warm, dry and eating stew.  Ah, life is so good.

Jonah Mowry: "Whats Goin on.."

This video has been making the rounds on facebook lately and truthfully, it is haunting me.  I can't stop thinking about this poor boy and it makes my heart ache.  Watch this with your kids and have that conversation you might not otherwise have.

Character Building

My dd#1 learned a few important lessons today.  Accountability.  Even when you feel you've done nothing wrong (or had no idea you'd done something wrong), if your actions hurt someone else that has to matter.  This morning we went to visit a friend to make things right.  On the way, we stopped for flowers and dd#1 offered to pay for them and I let her.  She is becoming the sort of person each one of us would want to know, and indeed displays more character and heart than many adults I know.  I am immensely proud.
Lesson #2:  We are more than a sum of our actions.  Teaching her that while she did something that hurt someone's feelings, she is still a great kid.  We all make mistakes.  She has some concerns that the adults in the scenario will view her differently.  I should hope not.  And would certainly expect not.  We all have the right to make mistakes and to atone for them without them defining us.  She's done her part, the rest is up to the grown ups in the room.  I am optimistic they will be equally as gracious.

Christmas Break Up

Ah Christmas.  You used to be such a light hearted, great time.  Now you feel like yet another hurdle to jump in the constant stream of a busy day and busy week.  If only we could rekindle our loving relationship.  Maybe you could start by not sneaking up on me?  Perhaps if you didn't demand so much of my time or put so many expectations for merriment on me?  I promise to try to embrace your possibilities if you will vow to just take it down a few notches.  Let's try to find our way back to the reason you are here and remember your humble beginnings.  Christmas, you and I just need to cosy up together on the sofa with a mug of hot cider and an open Bible and maybe, just maybe, we can redefine our relationship.

Learning to Embrace Winter

Today is my first day off with the puppy around.  I have dreams of Christmas shopping, making Christmas cards and hauling out the decorations.  Realistically I know none of these things will necessarily happen but I choose to live in happy denial.
I am not generally a fan of all things winter.  I have a special dislike of being cold and have yet to find a coat (no matter how much money is spent on it) that will keep me warm when I'm out in the snow.  Usually I prefer to be inside watching my family enjoy snowball fights and sledding.  This year, we have a dog.  A dog who loves snow and cold.  In fact, he's been sleeping on the back deck (with snow accumulating on his fur) already this morning.  As I see it, my personal challenge is to learn to embrace the winter and get off my (warm) couch and get outside.  Starting today.  Wish me luck.

Angel of Black Friday

This year I ventured into the world of Black Friday shopping, Canadian style.  There were no stampedes or people getting trampled but there were some pretty good deals.  I spent a good hour in line in Aeropostale, which is mortifying to admit out loud let alone type in my blog.  While I tried to be patient in waiting in the bedazzled hoodie-lined aisles, I felt fortunate to be there on my own.  The woman behind me had a double stroller occupied by a 6 month old boy and a 15 month old girl.  And she was smiling.  Truly unbelievable.  I was so taken aback by her calm demeanor (which i couldn't pull off and i was there by myself) that I complimented her on how well she was doing.  She proceeded to tell me that she'd left three kids (all under 5) at home!  While my inside-my-head voice said, "yikes!", the polite side of me asked her about her kids.  The more I learned, the more I realized that I was standing in front of a modern day angel.  Of her five kids under five years of age, 3 were foster kids and two had been adopted after she had fostered them.  The kids that were with her were happy, she was happy and honestly, it was pretty inspiring.   Certainly not inspiring enough to have more kids or wait obscene amounts of time in a teen clothing store, but inspiring in a "there are still really good people in the world" sort of way.  I'll take it.

2 Days and Counting

Day two and we're all still standing.  In fact, it's been rather easy so far.  I know, I cringe as I type that too.  I am sure it will get more challenging but for now, we have seen nothing but a snuggly, somewhat playful, quick to learn, and loving pup.  Mind you, he is doing a fair bit of sleeping these days.  With only two accidents thus far, I feel like we've won the puppy lottery.
While I have tried to make sure Jim is the Alpha (he should be for at least one member of our family anyway, right?) I have come to realize that I am far too controlling to let him just be.  Maybe if we tried to curb my behaviour with a reinforcer like chocolate?

It's a Boy

Welcome Home Ridley!!

Breathe Deeply and Smile

I feel like I am back in the land of the healthy again.  What a long haul that was, and I suspect my bout of pneumonia wasn't even all that serious.  Time to focus on keeping my lungs healthy.  For the first time in my life, I have consistently relied on a puffer to allow me to breathe properly.  I have a new appreciation for all of those with asthma, that's for sure.
So much happening in the past week and so hard to watch it all from the sidelines.  DD #1 got cast as a lead in her school show (Miss Dorothy in Thoroughly Modern Millie), DD#2 stepped up and did her homework independently, and hubby made dinner and cleaned the kitchen every night without snarky comments on my part.  Again I am humbled by how much goodness there is in my life if I just stand still for a minute and appreciate it.

Be Grateful

It's been a crazy week around here.  Come to think of it, I think I start many of my posts that way.  Apparently my life is leaning toward crazy these days but all is good so I guess crazy is working for me.
I also do a truck load of reflecting which I suppose is a good thing.  In theory anyway.  Tuesday night my cold turned into something ugly and since Wednesday I have been sidelined with Pneumonia (A gift from DD#2 who had it late last week).  This has given me way too much time to reflect.  Left alone with my thoughts in a quiet home (as I type this I am aware that a quiet home is really a lovely thing and being alone it one, is a treasure.  what is my problem??) I have been obsessively reflecting on everything.  What a cyclone of nonsense it's become.  Clearly I need to return to work or, at the very least, find someone sane and rational to talk to.
Today I vow to reflect on something worthwhile.  On this remembrance day, I am thinking of my grampy who drove the truck that carried ammunition to the front lines.  He sacrificed so much for the comforts and freedoms I enjoy today.  I think about my mum who didn't meet her father until she was five years old, on a military airfield in the cold of late autumn.  I can't even begin to imagine the life my nanny led back at home, with a small child, hoping that the officer delivering telegrams wouldn't stop at her house.
We have so much to be grateful for.  We have been given so much.  This is worthwhile reflection.

Anne Taintor

I love Anne Taintor.  Love. Her.  Last night as I contemplated making dinner, this magnet popped into my mind.  Let's just say, cooking is not my first joy.

Einstein is my hero

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” 
― Albert Einstein




Someone I know posted this on facebook today and it made me stop and consider many things about dd#2.  As always, we are in the struggle for writing.  Clearly she is creative and has good ideas.  Getting them on paper is a whole different story. While my approach has been more along the lines of "fish climbing the tree" I really need to focus on what she does well and let the rest go.  Now if I can convince the school of this.  Wish me luck, we're headed into round one.

Disassembling the Traps

It's been an interesting couple of weeks around here.  For some reason, dd#2 has been a bit out of sorts and doing all sorts of poorly thought out/half crazy things.  I have been doing a lot of head shaking lately. And wondering where all this is coming from.  While amusing and frequently maddening, I have some deep concerns that the puppy will be the least of my worries come the end of November.  We have had some heart to heart discussions about the limits of my ability to deal with nonsense (which is next to none at this point) and the appropriate way for a 10 year old girl to act.  She sagely nodded her head and agreed.  There would be no more self-made chaos on her part.
Yesterday, on the drive home from dropping dd#1 off at the pool after school, I had a small but interesting request as we drove by her school...."Mom, can you stop at school so I can disassemble the traps?".  I didn't have the strength to ask.

Puppies

Yesterday we drove to Caledonia for our first visit with the puppies.  On the way there we talked about our favourites, based on the pictures we've been sent, and which puppies looked spunky.  We are all in agreement that a "Clearance Puppy" (if you've seen Marley and Me you'll know what we are talking about) would not be in our best interest.
As we walked into the puppy room we were astonished to see seven sleeping piles of fur.  Not a twitch, wiggle, or tail wag to be seen.  So, not to be thwarted in our pursuit of puppy play time, we set about waking them up.  You can see we were met with mixed success.

We enjoyed a good hour or more of cuddling, cajoling, squeaky-toy-blitzing, and petting these sweet bundles of fur.  All in all, they were pretty quiet (with the exception of one who took to howling at the squeaky toy) and low key.  There were lots of licks and some definite favourites chosen.  While we won't know which lovely pup is ours until closer to 8 weeks, we definitely fell in love a little bit with the boy (pictured sleeping above).  He was a great mix of snuggly and spunky and perhaps "needy" (as the males are rumoured to be--and perhaps not just in pups either, but ah, that is another post!) would be a good thing in a dog of 100 pounds or so.





As we climbed in the car to come home (and it was hard to leave, believe me), my puppy-bliss was replaced with puppy-dread.  What on earth have I signed on for?  I suppose you, me, and the rest of the family will soon find out.  In an effort to return to bliss-land, I picked up this dog toy today--a zombie sock monkey.  Perfect.

Halloween--Friend or Foe

Today I had to drag myself from my bed.  After spending a relaxing weekend at Oakwood and sleeping in the world's most comfortable bed, I truly had a hard time coming back to the real world.  And not just the real world but the day of Halloween.  Imagine working with kids in a school on Halloween.  Now make it 50 times worse than your imagining.
As tempted as I was to return to bed, I was questioning whether I was actually sick or just wanting to ignore reality for one more day.  I decided to force myself into clothing and out to work.  With bribes in hand (as, after all, who wants to leave the movie/halloween party/sugary snack to go work with the therapist.  would you? incentives are good and necessary) I made it through the day and even managed not to eat the many treats dangled in front of me.
Tonight, while my kids are out trick or treating with their friends I am spending a rather quiet evening at home with my husband.  Halloween is turning out okay after all.

Weekend Bliss

Getting ready for a weekend away with some wonderful friends.  Although I am not prepared for the scrapbooking portion of the weekend (which is, essentially the focus of the Scrapbook Retreat) I am fully prepared for the time away to reconnect, recharge, and relax with a group of women whom I am happy to count as friends.
My relaxed approach to packing (read as, "I've done nothing to get ready so far and we leave first thing tomorrow morning") is unusual for me but as with every university paper I ever wrote, I am hoping it all comes together at the last minute.  I do, however, have a nice book set aside along with a nice bottle of wine and, of course, candy and chocolate.  Essentials first and the rest will follow.

Penguins in Jumpers--Love it.

This morning a friend posted this really adorable picture on facebook and well, it really just made me break out in a big 'ole grin.  

How sweet are these little penguins.  I am not sure who ever thought that knitting a little sweater for a penguin would keep them safe from ingesting oil while they are waiting to be cleaned, but they have not only done something nice for the penguins of New Zealand but for me as well.  I just can't get over the sweetness of this.  

Clarity

I've never posted twice in one day, in fact twice in one week seems to be a bit of a stretch for me.  However, today's funeral of an old friend got me to thinking and well, what I think seems to end up on the blog these days.  While the funeral was touching, it was a reminder of all things that life should be.  We need to just love each other more.  Our families, our colleagues, our community.  We need to say the word "yes" just a little more, especially to those we hold dearest.  And lastly, we need to seize the days while they lay before us, one hour at a time, and get our priorities in check.  It really can be as simple as that.

The Cleaning Fairies

Today I decided to renew my search for a new church.  I was in a decidedly cranky mood when I headed off to North Park to meet my brother and sister in law.  The drive across the city certainly didn't enhance that.  After a nice but uninspiring service (I know, my hopes are high and largely unreasonable) I wasn't anticipating my return home.  Those with children can picture the scene I had left behind earlier; bickering children, unhappy hubby who was realizing that dd#2 had in fact been messing around with his bike things in the basement, and a house that was cluttered with school items and other assorted messes.
I tried to focus on the glorious sunshine (welcome back, we've missed you) and the fact that I had a few minutes to myself.  Putting on my best "happy" I entered the house only to find a smiling husband, quiet children, and clean floors, counters, and bathrooms.  Love it.  Love them.  Day made.

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

I am home today with dd#2 who insists her stomach hurts.  We've been down this road a time or two in the past few years--usually this is the scenario when she is trying to avoid something stressful at school.  Last year it was a bully, which was a something she didn't share with me for quite a few months.  This year, all has been going smoothly so I am not sure what to make of things.  I checked to make sure her homework was done (and it was, two days early i might add) and asked her about her friends and was assured all was okay.  Not quite believing her, I sentenced her to her room for the morning.  She has been silent in still laying in bed most of the morning.

I must admit, I spent several minutes this morning stewing about missing some key appointments and also losing some much needed time with my husband this afternoon (I had planned to take a few hours owed as lieu time).  As I settled in to do a little "home office" I realized that I was more behind in my notes than I thought.  In my few hours this morning, I have managed to get my charting up to snuff, organized a few new clients, and weed through the pile of "filing" that always seems to be shoved into my planner.  I actually feel quite good about things now.

Funny how something so frustrating can end up being such a good and needed thing.  She may be crying wolf but I am grateful for the time.  Perhaps she'll make it out of her room this afternoon for a little snuggle on the sofa.

Candy Monkey

Today was dd#2's (also known as the Candy Monkey) birthday party.  Normally I energetically plan the party and then begin to slowly dread it once the invitations go out.  The same was true until this morning when I realized that 10 year old girls will be happy no matter what, so long as there is candy involved.  I was proven correct.

Although everyone had a great (and I mean great) time playing Minute to Win It games, the hit by far was the Cupcake Boss themed second half of the party.  As we set up the decorating stations, there were audible gasps as I placed a plate of candy in front of each of the girls.  I mean it, they were in heaven.  Come to think of it, I would react just the same way.   

It's been quite a wild week around here.  Having been off sick most of the week before, work was a swirling mess.  As usual there were the crazy time-stealing things that seem to pop up on a daily basis.  Throw in a school meeting (and we all know how those can be) and a friend in the hospital in need of a miracle, and there you have it.
Last night and today, I spent most of my day in the kitchen prepping for dd#2 birthday tomorrow and making some food for the friend I mentioned above.  While making cupcakes for dd's "cupcake boss" party tomorrow, I decided to make some really beautiful ones to deliver with the dinner I was making.  It was the most productive and rewarding hour of my whole day.  I can only hope that they brought a little beauty into the day of those they were shared with.

Two Legs and a Flashlight=Fun

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends and family.  There is so much to be thankful for....starting with this taste of summer in early October.  Hard to argue with a long weekend where the leaves are changing and creating striking scenery all around AND you get to hike through it in shorts and flip flops.  Perfect.  We had a wonderful weekend together--out enjoying the sun and spending time with friends and family.  

Last evening we had some good friends over and all five of the kids went out in the dark with flashlights, called on a few neighbours, and started a huge game of hide and seek.  They were out for hours, appearing every so often for water (running and screaming through the neighbourhood is thirsty work), snacks (my kids sensed there was chocolate in the house from half a block away), and skipping ropes (I didn't even ask on that one).  It brought back so many happy memories of living in Waterloo, growing up in a young neighbourhood with at least 10 kids around my age.  Every summer evening at dusk we'd gather at the light post by our driveway, do a little "my mother and your mother were hanging out the clothes..." to see who'd be it first, and then spend the next few hours hiding and seeking all over the block.  Yes, there were some neighbours not too happy to see us but that was likely because of the warm up game of "nicky nicky nine doors" we sometimes played. 

I am not sure if the kids annoyed the neighbours last night but frankly I don't really care.  It's about time the kids got to experience some of the fun to be had without anxious parents, over-cautious safety equipment or video screens.  (And don't even get me started on my love of "unsafe" and "dangerous" playground equipment--long live the metal spinny thing with no dicernable purpose save to spin quickly and fly off.  love it)  Maybe next time I'll join them.  I've got my eye on a good hiding spot.

Catherine Day Part Two

Today marks the day, two years ago, that my wonderful sister-in-law and friend Catherine died.  Last year we marked the day by gathering as a large, extended family and baking muffins, cookies and squares that we later distributed to various shelters and groups around the city.  It felt purposeful and good.  That day, we were able to spread some kindness and it made marking the anniversary a little less painful.  This year, we are celebrating Catherine quietly.  I had intentions of driving up to Tiverton and spending a little time graveside but a stomach virus earlier in the week meant working today was inevitable.  My brother, who has been up visiting with his boys, is on his way back out east having introduced us to his new girlfriend.  Someone who I was relieved to have liked instantly.  The world keeps moving on and I suppose we must too.  So, today I will remember Catherine in a way that honours life moving on and yet, still keeps her memory alive.  I will write a letter to her sons  and tell them my very favourite things about their mom, things I think she would've liked them to know if they had had a chance to get to know her as a real person, and not just their mom.  They have now grown old enough to appreciate these things.   I will encourage them to be happy and to celebrate their accomplishments, always knowing how much of their mom's blood, sweat, and tears went in to the making of the people they are today and will be in the future.  And in her honour, I will make time to sit with a hot cup of coffee in hand and tell my girls a thing or two that they never knew about their wonderful aunt.

Who Needs Balance When You Have An Invisible Moustache?

A friend posted this on facebook this morning and I laughed out loud.  How perfect is this?  Don't we all just want a little sanity, decent grooming and time with friends?  I am now going to seek out this author and read whatever she has written.  


"Ladies, do not strive for balance, it’s just one more thing you’ll feel like you’re failing at. Strive for sanity, shaved armpits, clothes without dirt spots, control over your hot flashes, cool friends, bras that fit, an invisible moustache, a working memory, and a lot of time at the local coffee shop so you can drown your sorrows in mochas. Going to a coffee shop is certainly cheaper than laying on someone’s couch so he can tell you that you need “balance.” - Cathy Lamb, author 

Finding Your Place

In the past few weeks, it has become very apparent to me that there is a definite place that we are meant to "be".  This year DD2 is in her "place".  Between her theatre group and her enriched programming, she is simply shining.  DD1 has found her "place" in swimming and although she spends most of her free time in the pool, she could not be happier.  My DH has recently switched jobs and is wildly happy.  And then there was me.  I have been giving my "place" a lot of thought lately and short of winning the lottery and pursuing my interests full time, I haven't quite been able to determine where I should be.
Today I had my moment.
There is much about my job that I like however, it is usually overshadowed by all sorts of passive aggressive nonsense.  In short, it is often ruined by the adults in the room.  This afternoon I entered a very lively kindergarten class, prepared for a loud and energy filled couple of hours.  While it was loud and energy filled, I had a remarkable session with a little boy who just filled the room with happiness.  Despite his difficulty sitting still and slightly off kilter group participation, he was happy and engaging and really just what I needed.  We laughed as we played playdoh dinosaurs, cheered his success as we used the computer, and shared a moment of unhappiness as he passed the tv in the hallway (seriously though, who puts a tv in a school hallway??).  It was the best 90 minutes of my entire week.
Perhaps my place is right where I am and if I stop looking for something more, I just might be able to settle in and enjoy it.

Beware the Speed Wobble

I have been told that I have control issues.  And I suppose that I would agree that I do like things well-ordered, planned ahead, and organized.  I really  really like things that way.  So yes, I guess I'll cop to being a control-focussed person (note the absence of the word "freak" in that sentence).  Usually I use my powers for good---keeping on top of work commitments, after school drop offs and pickups, and who needs what and for when.  It generally does work for me (from my perspective at least).

However, once every so often I get reality smacked with things beyond my control.  I must admit, I have a tendency not to handle it so well and have been known to end up in a bit of a speed wobble (for those unfamiliar that term, it's my hubby's term for that pre-event panic state that sends me running crazily through the house trying to complete tasks while simultaneously warding off assistance by being unreasonable).  Today's news about the hubby's visit to the cardiologist was just one of those moments.  After a few moments of pure panic I settled in to a resigned anxiety and as I was at work, I was unable to wobble even just a little bit.  Upon reflection I do feel sorry for that little boy that I treated just after I received that phone call.  Normally I would have been way more tolerant with his patience-testing ways but today I sent him back to class when he got a bit more than I could take.  I believe I might have even used the term "little stinker" in his presence.  Okay, so maybe I did wobble a little bit after all.

A very wise man (my dad) once (okay several times) said to me, "Gill, don't worry about things you can't control, it's wasted worry".  Today those wise words saved me from control chaos.  As I type this and reflect on the day it seems that if I am to live more in the moment and enjoy the journey, I must focus on what can be changed and let go of what cannot.  Not in a 12 step kind of way but in an everyday control-centred, non-speed wobbly, moving forward sort of way.

Leopard Print Love

This week has been uncommonly draggy and I've really been a Debbie Downer.  Not sure why.  The weather is wonderful (could we ask for any better really?) and things are rolling along as they always do but still, something just seems to be niggling at the edge of my mind.
Luckily I have a fantastic friend who understands my mopey mood and planned a fantastic mid-week adventure for us.  Now, let me ask you this, who can be one bit bummed when sporting Pink Leopard print nails?  Thanks Sue, you make me happy :)

Seasons of Love - RENT Original Broadway Cast

Measuring One Day

My latest ear worm comes from the musical Rent.  Several years ago (almost 20 I think)  I saw this musical in Toronto.  At the time, I was working in a downtown Toronto hospital and spent much of my time working with people living with HIV/AIDS.  This musical spoke to me then and, for many different reasons, continues to speak to me today.  

This morning the glut of the week's work nonsense, home responsibilities, and dreary weather came to rest on my shoulders from almost the minute I rose from bed.  As I wearily prepared my cup of coffee, Seasons of Love popped into my head.  For those of you who are familiar with this song, you'll already know the line from the lyrics that I am talking about.  Now I have no intention of measuring my life in cups of coffee but I truly did need a mind shift this morning.  I went to You Tube and soon the song was filling the kitchen again and again (which explains why it's become an ear worm today).  Turns out DD2 needed a mind shift too and soon we were singing along, sans musical accompaniment (which incidentally did not shift DD1's mood to the positive).  

Have a listen (I'll post a link in the blog to follow this one) and consider how you want today to be measured....

...3 cups of coffee

...110 kilometers driven

...8 hugs received

...6 "i love you"s given

...2 moments where i chose not to say something unproductive (i know, can you believe it??)

...4 opportunities taken to make things better for someone else

that's mine so far.  what would yours look like?

Four Legs and Fur (lots and lots of fur)

As I've already admitted, I love change in all its shapes, sizes, and forms.  This year, change is coming to our family on four legs.  After much consideration, we've decided to get a Bernese Mountain Dog.  I know what you may be thinking.  In fact, I've heard most of it already.  I've never had a dog.  Do I know what I'm getting into?  What about my furniture?  All of these questions, and many more, have raced through my mind over the past months and weeks.  Yes, I've never had a dog but I hadn't had kids before either and that seemed to work out okay (well, so far anyways).  No, I don't really know what I'm getting into but then again, who ever does (and if we did, would we ever really do anything?)?  And as for furniture....well, that one does concern me a bit but I don't really intend to let a 100 pound dog lounge on my sofa.  

This is the year I have decided to let people outweigh the "stuff" in my life; to focus on my family more and on "things" less.  The dog is just a small step (okay, maybe a large step) in this direction.  I have been told that I'm not a "dog person" although quite frankly I am not sure what that means.  It's true, I don't have an "I love my dog" bumper sticker on my car nor do dogs adorn my sweatshirts but I am pretty sure I have a good handle on the care, desire, and love needed to bring a dog successfully into my family.  

Today we met the breeder and her four wonderful dogs.  There are actually four dogs in this picture but one you can't see because it's laying across DD2 and resting her head on DD1's feet.  I am sure there will be many "Plan B" moments in this particular life change however, I am looking forward to the journey.

Fifteen

Fifteen years ago today I said, "I do" and married the man with the "sparkly eyes".  So many great things have happened in those years--we've had two beautiful children and grown our family into something I am proud of today.

Currently my husband is canoeing his way through Killarney however, he had these beautiful flower sent (via a friend as delivery girl--thanks c) to let me know he was thinking of me.  So thoughtful.  Tonight, as I watch my favourite guilty pleasure TV show (ANTM), I will toast him and our fifteen years together.

Three Little Birds

Practical meets motivational.  While searching for a new way to keep our keys organized, I stumbled upon these birds in a beautiful home store in Midland Ontario (it's called Saturday Morning and you should check it out if you ever pass that way).  There were many practical options (my usual choice) but I was drawn to these smiling-beaked critters because they seemed a little cheery somehow.  It was my first of a few home purchases that were made specifically with face value happiness in mind.  (and fyi, they do hold keys via a magnet on their throats)

Everyday I pass these birds at least 50 times and I swear, nearly each time I pass them a little Bob Marley passes through my mind.  "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright...."  I like having these "three little birds" by my doorstep and hope that they continue to bring a smile to my day in the weeks and months to come.

Gratitude

Today was the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  Of course, you'd have to live under a rock not to know this.  It's been everywhere this past week---on the radio, on the tv, and weighing on minds all around the globe.  I admit I have been listening, watching, and thinking too.

This morning I awoke to my nine year old snuggling in bed with me, showering me with kisses and exclaiming, "I love, love, love you mummy!".  It was the loveliest way to greet the day that I could possibly imagine and it made me think about how grateful I should be for these wonderful moments.
As the girls and I watched some of the tv programming (youngest actually turned down her cartoons to hear the live stream on the computer), there were tears (on my part), lots of difficult questions and some pretty big realizations for the kids.  It prompted a few spontaneous and loving moments and changed the way we faced the day.  For my part,  I baked two types of muffins instead of the one I had intended to make because, of course, my two girls like different kinds.  Such a little thing I know but they've marvelled at it all day.

Ten years ago, with a three year old at home and 8 months pregnant, the shock and horror of 9/11 left me feeling rather helpless and somewhat hopeless.  At the time it was hard to imagine bringing a new baby into a world that was so shrouded in fear.  Today that "baby", along with her sister, reminded me of how wonderful our time together can be if I let go of my plans and go with gratitude.

Our Lazy Days Just Keep Going

I have come the realization that our family is lazy.  L-A-Z-Y.  Worthy of caps and an extended pronunciation.  This summer I tried desperately to break from the laissez faire attitude of my family members.  I spent countless hours filing papers, organizing closets, decluttering countertops, and tending to the gardens (well, maybe not the front one but I am blaming my back for that).  I had hoped that my endless rants about cleaning up after yourself and pointing out the loveliness of the fresh clean spaces would have some influence.    Was it too much to hope that within one week of me returning to work that our home wouldn't dissolve into an episode of hoarders?  The answer came in the form of a simple request today.  When asked to pour a glass of lemonade (the pitcher had been in the fridge all week btw), DD#2 discovered that the well chilled rubbermaid pitcher contained only air.  Seriously.

Starting with a Single Step

Today I wore long pants for the first time in a few months.  You may have had this moment before too--you know, the one where you get them on and up your legs and then silently pray they will fasten without looking obscenely tight.  As luck would have it they did fasten (hooray) and could be worn without being offensive.  I was off to a good start.  However, 10 minutes in it was becoming apparent that this was going to be a sausage link kind of day.  You know, the sort of day where the thighs of your pants are so snug that you feel like your legs are enclosed in sausage casings.  The sort of day where every step reminds you that you need to take some action.  As I write this, I still bear the marks of my waistband even though the pants were removed over an hour ago.

You see, I've had quite a lovely summer of over indulgence.  Starting with a butter free for all (I could eat dairy in France for some reason so I did go a bit crazy) in Paris and ending with a final Gin and Tonic on the patio on Labour Day.

(this was the beginning of the end for me....and yes, I did eat that hockey puck of butter pictured on the plate.  it was worth it just to finally have the chance to embarrass the hubby in public and besides, it tasted heavenly)

Tonight I decided to go for a walk.  Let me just say that I find walking as exercise incredibly boring.  I personally would find it much more exciting if someone randomly threw a ball into your path and raced you to it.  I am, and always will be, a sport kinda gal.  Seeing as schedules don't allow for me to play sports as much as I'd like, I really need to find an activity that I will be motivated to do.  I tried running but years of competitive sport have done a little damage to my joints and I'm good for a few days of running so long as I don't need to raise myself from the toilet the next day.  So walking it was and will continue to be.

To make the most of my journey I decided to do a little garden recon instead of listening to music (plus I do have a habit of singing along rather loudly that disturbs those around me).   Did you know people use toilets as planters?  Disturbing.  I did, however, gather a few ideas that don't involve bathroom items and actually enjoyed taking a few pictures of plants that interested me.  And I returned home a bit happier than when I left.  Perhaps this spring I'll finally dig up the garden in the front.  One step at a time.

Happiness is a Choice

First day of school.  Shiny new backpacks (check), nutritious packed lunch (check), perfectly selected outfits (check), and a positive outlook for the year to come.  And then we made it to school.  DD #1 immediately was lost to me in the crowd--she's entitled, she is 13 after all.  DD#2 stayed a little closer as class assignment chaos began.  

Let me just say, and I am wandering a little bit here, that having teachers come out and read their class lists aloud on the school yard is just shy of crazy.  In what world do they imagine that 500+ nervous and excited kids will remain quiet so they can hear their name called?  And what if you don't know what the teacher looks like?  How do you know where to stand to hear the news?  Ah well, I digress.  Let's just say it was madness.

As I was saying...DD#2 did not hear her name called and by the time we figured out what class she was in they were already in their classroom.  So in we went.  We stopped at the door to check out the situation.  Split class (okay, no problem there), good teacher (yay!), only two girls from her grade in the class (not so hot), both girls are girls who are historically not so kind to my child (oh no).  Then the tears came.  After a few minutes she was calm enough to go inside and join her class.  I had a few quick words with the teacher, who was sympathetic and understanding.  As I went to leave, DD was nowhere to be seen but when a little effort was made, could be seen crying in the cloak room at the back of the class.  Heartbreak.  Complete heartbreak for her and for me.  I won't even begin to go in to detail as to how difficult it was to leave her there, in a place where she so clearly felt uncomfortable.  But leave I did.  That's the thing about a job where you don't work in the summer....you must report for work on the first day of school with no exceptions.

It was a long day of worrying, venting to my colleagues (sorry about that if any of you stop in to read this), and talking to the school LST.  I wondered what sort of mess there'd be to mop up at the end of the day.  How could I be positive for my clearly unhappy child?  

3:30 came, as it always does, and I was anxious.  What child would walk through those doors?  Sullen.  Tearful?  Rebellious at the injustice of it all?  I was prepared for anger, for sadness but unprepared and startled by the happy, bouncy girl that came out of the door.  She had had time to reflect on things and decided that she could "make it work".  She chose to embrace the possibilities and opportunities that this uncomfortable place held for her and made a choice to be happy.  I have a lot to learn from this remarkable child.   Maybe she should be keeping this blog.  Clearly she excels at Plan B.

Change Junkie

I'm a bit of a change junkie.  Give me a chance to break out of the rut and I will jump at it.  In particular, I try to look at each new school year as a chance to change--we change our routines, we change our clothing (insert huge sigh here at the thought of wearing long pants), and we have a chance at changing ourselves just a bit.  Starting a new grade at school always felt like a bit of a reinvention and certainly having the summer off with kids gives me the "start of the school year" optimism for my life as well.

This year I am vowing to change how much control work will have over my life.  I am determined to let go of the garbage and cling to the good.  One day at a time I suppose, starting with tomorrow.

This year the girls have found their "thing", the one activity that makes them feel competent and a part of something bigger than themselves.  I am so excited to see what changes this confidence brings to their lives and will try to embrace the 6AM swim practices and 5 to 7 day play rehearsals with the enthusiasm my kids deserve.

Sappy but sincere.

Following Instructions

I hate to read and follow instructions.  Absolutely detest it.  Although I admit my plan of "visualizing" the finished product doesn't always work out well (insert an example of almost any household do-it/build-it-yourself project here), I stand by my approach.  Well, at least I did.  I am trying to alter my life plan after all.  Today's challenge:  Read and follow instructions to the finished product.  I decided to play it safe and choose a recipe to follow.  Simple enough in theory, right?

Tonight's choice:  Mediterranean Couscous Salad.  And I swear I tried earnestly to follow the instructions (as one can while sampling a nice moscato wine) however, I began to feel very limited by the black and white recipe before me--imagine a roasted vegetable couscous salad with no portobello mushrooms?!  Confession time...I added the portobellos.  And they were delicious.  Perhaps this change in approach to life is going to be harder than I thought.

Life is All About How You Handle Plan B

In an effort to try to keep my sanity this school year, I am going to try my hand at blogging.  I am hoping that keeping a public reflection on life might help me to remember how to live in the moment and enjoy the moments (big and small) along the way.

A quotation that has stuck with me over the years is this, "Life is All About How You Handle Plan B".  Let's see how handling plan b goes for a 40 year old married mum of two who works four days a week out of the house and seven days per week in it.